Untitled: A Journey Through Anxiety
Untitled is the best and worst title of all.
It’s the last resort when there are no words left to describe experiences.
That is why I paint.
There are no words, only memories of feelings, and a way to express them in hopes that another person will recognize it deep in their soul. At its best, it’s a gut punch. Art that mirrors an experience and a feeling can’t be beat. Cesar Cruz’s famous quote has never been more true.
“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.”
– Cesar A. Cruz
If you’ve never experienced true anxiety or a panic disorder, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ve got some other glaring problem, ha! Count yourself fortunate in this realm. Anxiety is tricky. It’s a game between your brain, your body, and your surroundings. The worst is that you can’t seem to trust much of anything. Your brain will lie to you, your body will lie to your brain, and just when you think the world is becoming predictable enough to help stabilize your brain and body, think again!
In this art piece I’m the subject. I’m unfortunately so perfect of a subject for this. It’s easy for me to show what it feels like to have a panic attack. I’ve had so many of them, but on a lighter note, after medication and utilizing various calming strategies, they are very rare. Anxiety likes to change over time. I went from having a panic disorder to having an anxiety disorder with a dash of agoraphobia (I’ll let you Google that one), and the slight development of other phobias.
So imagine with me. You’re sitting in a chair at dinner. There are people around. You’re a little nervous. This dress doesn’t fit quite right. I almost tripped walking here. These shoes are tight. Why is my stomach gurgling right now? Just as quickly, a thought plows through your brain. “What if I ate something bad and I’m about to be sick in front of all these people, or worse, have a panic attack?”. I don’t need a panic attack right now! Did that salad dressing taste a little spoiled? At lightening speed your stomach tightens, and your throat catches. There goes my appetite. I can’t eat. People will ask why I’m not eating. The waiter will ask if something is wrong with my food.
“Oh, the food is great! I’m just having a near death, impending doom experience over here! No big deal!”
Just force yourself to eat, and then no one will suspect anything is wrong. Then this warmth creeps up from your body, through the skin on your neck, causing your face to flush. Ok, NOW people can definitely tell something is wrong with me. Your pulse quickens at the realization that you’re quickly losing yourself at the table. What did Mary just say? I totally missed that, but everyone else is laughing so I should just join in. I’ve gotta get out of this situation. I can’t just get up and walk out the door and down the street. That would REALLY be weird! Everyone would come chasing after me. I would definitely trip then. The bathroom! I hate public restrooms, ew! Do I really want everyone in the bathroom to see me having an existential crisis? They’ll think I’m crazy! I don’t know where I’m going anyway. I feel so trapped. It’s hot in here. Is anyone else hot? No? These feelings are never going to end. I feel worse. My heart feels like it’s about to beat out of my chest. I feel like I could win first place in a marathon right now. There is no way someone isn’t going to notice that I’m losing my mind over here. I’m so far from home! 30 minutes! On top of that I just wasted $25 on a meal.
What others see: Catatonic blank face.
I am going to estimate all that wild thinking and feeling happens in about 30 seconds or less. Less time than it took you to read about it. A lot of people with anxiety stop going places for fear they’ll have a panic attack. I don’t blame them. It’s a terrible experience. Your brain lies to you, and the rest of your body joins in to plot against you too. You believe them both and the worst of what they’re telling you because what other cues are there to convince you otherwise? Panic attacks can last for hours. Hours of a pounding heartbeat, adrenaline flowing, pacing, shaking, nausea, racing thoughts, etc… and you can’t control any of it. It’s just happening to you.
You feel out of control and you are, in a way, out of control.
The greatest weapon against panic attacks is to face them. To retrain your brain by communicating that certain situations really aren’t dangerous. You have to sit with the anxiety. There are medications and techniques to slow down anxiety symptoms that afford you the time to gain control of your thoughts and bodily reactions, but it takes work …and bravery.